By Lauren Walsh

While break-ups are part of life and guide us for our next relationship, they somewhat restrain us from fully trusting our next potential partner.  This is based on how people try to rationalize their jealous or passive behavior caused by unfortunate experiences in their previous relationships. Trust shouldn’t be based on our previous heartbreaks, but rather should gradually develop with time-and sense of security. Many people begin relationships by immediately telling the other person to “trust them,” and once those words are said, a feeling of paranoia can follow. We begin questioning if we really do trust that person and wonder what exactly makes them trustworthy.

Trust is One of the Hardest Things to Gain in Relationships.

Since winter break has passed and spring break is just ahead, couples may separate from their highly intertwined daily college lives to visit their family or friends. While some return home to their high school friends or old flings, others may head to beaches where they’re surrounded by dental floss sized bikinis. These college breaks briefly turn these typically close proximity relationships into temporarily long distance ones. With this picture in mind, how are you confident that your partner is trustworthy?

“It’s normal for couples to separate during a break because I know that I’ll want to have fun with my friends at the club and I know that the guy I am seeing will want to do the same,” said  accounting junior Ally Waltman.

However, for business sophomore Alex Bergman, cheating in a situation like this would be the ultimate deal breaker.

“If I ever had a girlfriend who cheated on me, it would be the ultimate deal breaker,” Bergman said.

While it does sound practical, when has taking a break from your partner over vacations become the norm instead of spending time together? Has trusting your partner become so difficult that taking a break is like the new way to actually deal with a relationship? If people don’t want to be in a relationship, then they shouldn’t be — no breaks, commas or ellipses.

This is why the expectations of being trustworthy have dwindled in the first place because the definition of being “in a relationship” has changed. If a guy is into a girl and is seeing her exclusively but the girl is seeing other guys, not only will this cause heartbreak and an exchange of offensive words, but health risks could be involved.

“Relationships can be tricky things to define, and if you’re in one, you want to make sure that both you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to where you stand. You might think you’re only sleeping with each other, but the reality could be very different and very scary.”

The fact that almost twice the amount of women than men thought they were in a relationship is perplexing and unfortunate. What prompted the women to think they are in a relationship? Are they being misled?  Expecting too much?  Did three dates in one week become a “committed relationship?” Did he pick-up the tab, so a “we’re together” status was assumed?  Is it because girls are naturally born “nesters?”  Where is the fine line between dating and being classified as a boyfriend/girlfriend?

The most pragmatic solution is to discuss what the partners expect from their relationship. When a mutual understanding has taken place, then trust will ultimately follow.

Once trust is earned, no longer will flirting with random bodies in bikinis have an effect on your relationship. Besides, guys should have faith that their partner would rather be with them than hooking up with someone else — isn’t that the very least one should expect out of a relationship? On the other hand, it’s completely normal for guys to look at other girls; it is in their DNA, instigated by testosterone levels and the fact that guys are hunters.

However, Paul Newman once said, “Why fool around with hamburger when you can have steak at home?” So girls and guys, just because you may be looking at other attractions doesn’t mean you shouldn’t appreciate what you already have, so don’t make trust, or lack of trust an issue. Besides, you can always show your “better half” how good they have it with you by reminding them about what made you stand out from the others in the first place.

Communication is Key.

Personally, trustworthiness is based on values, morals and whether the other person initiates the relationship. If two people are in the first stage of dating and are waiting to see what the other person expects from them, instead of forcing monogamy, their relationship terms should be agreed upon. Forcing monogamy could create a sense of obligation causing the other person to run in the other direction to date other people.

It’s like being grounded by your parents as a child; you feel forced to do something that was unjust, so you feel like defying their rules and sneaking out. This feeling of rebellion provides you with a rush of adrenaline that causes the behavior to repeat; you get a “high” from being bad. People who cheat obtain the same adrenaline rush because they act out their dissent against something they didn’t agree to. If you force someone to be exclusive or make them feel guilty for not wanting to be, they are more likely to cheat, and you will be less likely trust them.

By Erica Turner

As we welcome in the New Year, students make resolutions that they hope will improve their lives. Some have promised to raise their grades, score that dream internship, or land their first job. But one of the most popular resolutions on campus for 2012 is improving relationships.

Not surprisingly, improving relationships is easier said then done. It can be hard to shake our ways and break those habits that hinder us. Regardless, it is important to have healthy relationships with those we care about in order to uphold our own mental health.

One way we can cultivate these relationships is by trying to meet the needs and expectations of our partners and friends by making them a priority even if it means putting our own goals temporarily on the back burner.

“I think that in order to have a great friendship or relationship it is important to put others’ well being over my own,” education junior Casey Droste said.

Droste hopes to accomplish this by keeping her resolution in her mind and reminding herself of her commitment every time she is in a sticky situation that might challenge her resolution.

“I think in order to have great friendships and relationships it is important to put others first. My relationships are important to me, and I want the people in my life to know that,” she said.

Psychologist and author Dr. Michelle Callahan believes that doing something nice for someone else actually improves our own personal well-being. Callahan emphasizes taking the focus off yourself and growing your relationship with someone else by putting them first.

Doing something for someone else makes us feel important and fulfills our self-presentation goals. When our peers think of us as helpful and kind, it in turn raises our self-esteem and improves our self-image.

However, staying grounded and maintaining your own sense of self is equally important. Granted, helping others can make you happier, but sacrificing your own expectations all together can cause serious long-term problems.

Making sure you are at your best by realizing when to cut your losses can improve your mental health and improve your relationships.

“My resolution is to work to help my good relationships grow and not be so hard on myself about working to suffice relationships that are bad (for me),” said human development and family studies junior Emily Schmid.

Callahan reiterates that the most important relational resolution is to take better care of you.

“You can’t be your best, when you’re feeling your worst. When you aren’t well, you won’t be the best spouse, parent, friend or co-worker,” she said.

How do you ensure you are at your best? Relax, eat well and exercise. Also, pursue things that interest you or take up a new hobby. Finding new ways for you to grow as an individual can improve your relationship and facilitate your relational growth.

Relational author Julie Spira believes peoples become more appealing when we have our own lives and are confidant and feeling good about ourselves.

Spira says to think of things that used to make you happy that you no longer do.

“Having interests and experiences that have nothing to do with each other means you have more to bring to the relationship,” said Spira.

Resume an old hobby or join a new student organization to help yourself thrive on a personal level and to strengthen your sense of individuality.

However, this can be a challenge to find time to develop your own personal growth, as well as time to nurture your relationships in all of the turmoil of school, work and other commitments.

Plan one-on-one times with your partner so that you can stay connected and share your experiences. Spending quality time alone with your partner give you the opportunity to bond at a deeper level.

“Sometimes you literally have to schedule the time, put it on your calendar and protect it just like you would a meeting at work,” said Callahan.

There is no official quota of how often you should be seeing each other, but many experts agree that having face-to-face time together at least once a week will cultivate a healthy relationship.

But sometimes in our busy schedules, we can’t always make face-to-face time, and we have to find ways to make our relationships work long-distance.

“I want to have people in my life that bring out the best in me and keep my relationships close, even when I’m far in distance,” Schmid said.

Technology becomes a valuable resource to make use of when trying to keep in contact with loved ones, especially in long distance situations.

“Utilize technology to stay close and connected, but don’t rely on it exclusively or allow it to replace face-to-face relationships. Putting in good face time is still an important and necessary way to build and maintain close relationships both at home and at work,” Callahan said.

It is an ambitious resolution to improve one’s relationships, but unlike the temporary satisfaction of other resolutions, improving your relationships will benefit you in the long run.

Lets face it: our friends, families and partners are the ones that make our lives as special as they are. So show them a little appreciation this season by finding ways to improve your relationships with them by making your own relational resolution.

By Erica Turner

Finals week is quickly approaching, which means times of high stress are on the horizon.  Along with the struggles of exams, papers, and presentations, external pressures from significant others seem to play a significant role in anxiety.

Communication junior Travis Richards said, ”I feel like exam week puts undue stress on relationships because everyone has such high expectations for their performance that they put all other aspects of life on the back burner including, but not limited to, relationships.”

Obviously finals are a time of high stress, which affects all individuals differently.  When we encounter a stressor, a multitude of things can go on psychologically that effect our behavior, some more governing than others.  Personally, I obsess about the situation and let it dominate my mind until it is resolved.

(sxc.hu)

“I get sassy.  I isolate myself and let the little things bother me.  I also procrastinate because I have anxiety about starting all of the work I need to finish,” said Eli Broad business junior Emily Kmiec.

Procrastination is a strategy that is beyond familiar on college campuses.  However, procrastination enhances stress by causing your work to pile up and making you feel overwhelmed.

James Madison junior Shannon Conaway has a more effective method that will help to reduce stress.

“I compartmentalize, so I take one thing at a time and divide and conquer,” she said.

This strategy is helpful to avoid becoming lost in your work.  Make a list of all you have to do and then go through and complete each task in its entirety.

Special education junior Lexi Justice said her nervousness bleeds into her personal life.

“I can’t stop thinking about whatever is bothering me, and then I begin to worry about everything,” she said.  Like Justice, when many people are stressed, it overflows into their personal lives often causing unnecessary problems.

These avoidable problems can create unneeded tension in students’ lives outside of the classroom.  But how can these stressors be managed and their effects minimized?

Stress leads to irritability causing us to lash out more at others and behave in ways that wouldn’t normally.  When we do act out, those people often attribute our behavior to our rude character instead of our pressing situation.

“The biggest thing is the fundamental attribution error, [which is] attributing things to internal causes instead of external ones,” interpersonal communications professor Kelly Morrison said.

To avoid the fundamental attribution error, look at the circumstances as a whole and determine if you could be making misattributions that could negatively impact your situation, she said.

For Eli Broad business junior Emily Kmiec, the stress of her partner rubs off on to her causing additional unnecessary anxiety.

“It makes me stressed, and I want to help because it feels terrible to be stressed because there’s nothing you can do,” she said.

Personally, I fall victim to what author of The 14 Day Stress Cure Morton Orman, calls ‘Kicking-your-seeing-eye-dog.’

Morton says, “[this is a] pattern whereby you try to change or mold your partner into someone who thinks, feels, and acts just like you do.”

However, trying to change your partner or having unrealistic expectations is not something that is going to benefit your relationship in the long run.

For Justice, running is her stress reliever.

Morrison suggests managing stress by getting more sleep and participating in either yoga or meditation.  She says these hobbies can provide the quiet time you need to handle your situation, without the risk of injury.

Morrison points out that so rarely with all of the various technologies are we separated from the stressors of our lives.  With iPhones, Blackberrys, e-mail and other forms of instant communication, we are constantly connected with work and school with no downtime in-between.

For Kmiec, relying on her friendships to manage her stress is key.

“Confiding in my friends helps to manage my stress by hearing the opinions of the people who are important in my life,” she said.

Talking with friends about stress is a technique Morrison defines as self-disclosure.

“Self-disclosure tends to relieve stress and facilitate mental health, so talking to someone is typically a good idea.  This could be a good friend, a parent, partner, or certainly talking to someone at counseling services on campus,” Morrison said.

Communication junior Travis Richards said, “I divert my stress away from my girlfriend and confide in outside sources in order to avoid putting unnecessary stress on the relationship.”

Shannon Conaway submerges herself in her work in order to ease the anxiety associated with stress, which gives her less time to devote to her partner.

Conaway says, “When I’m stressed, I have less time [for my boyfriend] because I’m too busy with homework.”

However, limiting face-to-face contact with your significant other could be counterproductive because of the insufficient emotional reactions of interacting by the means of technology.

“When you’re online, you’re less likely to empathize because of online empathy deficits,” Morrison says. When you are unable to see the reactions of your behaviors, you’re more likely to act in destructive ways.

By cutting your partner out, you are also losing a valuable support system that can help you through your stressful experience.

So, during this time of approaching angst, try to take Kelly Morrison’s advice by being open-minded and understanding of your partner and look for relaxing alternative outlets to channel your stress.  It could save you relationship, or at the very least help you to avoid a few miscommunications.

By Lauren Walsh

I transferred from a college of 20,000 to a university with a student body of 45,000 – I should have met somebody by now!  I assumed that sitting at a café or the library may entail a casual conversation with a stranger, but for me and many transfer students, this is not the case.

Instead, transferring to Michigan State University as a sophomore or junior comes with obstacles when trying to obtain any kind of relationship. Unlike freshman students who enter the dorms with an instant connection with their roommates and communal diners, many transfer students come to MSU unfamiliar with the student social life at a large campus.

I’m not alone in my theories – fellow transfer student and communications junior Emily Bunn said, “A big part of starting out at MSU as a freshman is getting to know so many people in the dorms, and I feel like I missed out on that opportunity.”

(sxc.hu)

As I walk among fellow Spartans, my status is imperceptible to those other students, and a simple introduction in class usually doesn’t lead to outside plans. This leaves us to the rare situation found between transfer students and prospective relationships. Having already been here two months, finding instant reliable friends or even someone to date seems inevitable. When attending casual get-togethers, I assume that the chance of meeting that certain somebody would be promising, but most of the guys I meet are completely unaware about how to make an advance toward a girl, and the ones who do already have girlfriends. This disheartening situation should have a section on the MSU Facebook page with the headlines “Relationship status: Complicated.”  On any given night, these feelings of disappointment only persist as I go to different bars or parties.

At least I am not alone in my frustration. “When I moved here I thought I’d meet people instantly, but the students in my classes are completely silent, and meeting someone at a bar seems reckless and unpredictable,” said fellow transfer student and accounting junior Abby Maynard.

Unless you’re a freshman attending common house parties where meeting someone has infinite possibilities, dating for transfer students should come with a “Dummies” handbook. The guide should include a rulebook about where to not meet people in East Lansing, outlining places that have worked for others and ways to have the confidence to actually make that daunting first move that could be the start of something new and exciting. Finding a romantic relationship in college is a common goal of many students, but transfer or not, being single in college seems to be the vast majority. Regardless of those exceptional committed relationships out there, college students will be college students and will play the field.

“I was seeing this guy who is also a transfer student, and thought since we had this common ground that maybe it would last, but after a long weekend of tailgating and parties, I never heard back from him,” said business sophomore, Kelly Atlas.

Photo taken by Kristi Cookinham

Since there are so many choices and interests at a university, many students prefer to stay single and enjoy the “diversity” that MSU has to offer. So, when a transfer student does finally meet that certain somebody, how are they supposed to keep that individual interested? In life, everything is a game; whether it involves competing against others for a job or internship or maintaining a relationship with a potential partner. As difficult as it is to find that possible girl or boyfriend, it is more difficult to make yourself stand out from the rest of the crowd. As Beyoncé sang, “All the single ladies, all the single ladies, I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips, got me tighter than my Dereon jeans, acting up, drink in my cup, I can care less what you think.” So, take her wise words, put on your favorite jeans, hell, drink tea in that cup, if that’s who you are. All that matters is that you’re being yourself.

As an active participant in this transfer student relationship strategy, I urge all you who transferred or even single romantics to belong to the various societies MSU has to offer. After joining clubs that relate to my major and hobbies, not only did I gain the resume building, but I discovered a new way to meet people that have the same interests and future goals. Whether it’s joining a study group, ethnic dance club, an intramural sport or the Greek system, the more people you meet, the bigger the social group you will gain and discover a further sense of belonging.

So the next time you’re sitting in a café, ask the person next to you what they’re reading or extend a simple smile or “hello.” Being nice never hurts, and it could spur a rewarding relationship or at least a funny story to tell about with your friends.

Unless you’re watching one of the “Twilight” movies or listening to a Taylor Swift song, you probably think the idea of having a very serious relationship while in high school is only slightly less realistic than having one in middle school.

Even less realistic is the idea of taking a high school relationship and transitioning into college. Many people claim that by the time you take your fist mid-term exam in college, your high school relationship will be over. Wanting to meet new people and try new things are often the motivations behind these break ups.

Not all love is lost for college relationships. There are college students that believe it can work and have made it work.

Kelcie Ebbitt and boyfriend Jeff Cain.

Elementary education senior Kelcie Ebbitt has been with her high school sweetheart, Jeff Cain, for almost four years. Ebbitt said that the transition to college didn’t hurt their relationship; it strengthened it.

“If anything, college has given us more opportunity to get to know each other,” she said. “We have come so far since high school, and staying strong has never been an issue for the two of us. We have been able to support each other through things such as changing majors, not getting or getting jobs and just generally experiencing life together.”

Cain, a physics and materials science and engineering senior, said that it was easier to maintain his relationship while in college in comparison to high school.

“The freedom that comes with college translated to more freedom in our relationship,” said Cain. “We can see each other whenever we want to and for however long we want to.”

One thing to keep in mind is that Ebbitt and Cain both go to the same college, which is a very important factor in maintaining their relationship and a luxury that many college relationships don’t have.

“Distance can be an issue depending on the newness of the relationship and whether the couple has established intimacies and commitments,” said Dennis Martell, health education services coordinator for Olin Health Center. “Before, you were able to see this person everyday, and now you may be lucky to see him/her once a month.”

Martell said trying to find a balance between academics, new friends, old friends, a partner, family and extracurricular activities is only part of the difficulty of this type of transition.

Martell, who has expertise in student health issues such as student wellness, student transition to college and sexual behavior, said distance between couples can potentially cause relationship-ending problems.

Jenna Otting and her boyfriend Scott.

Jenna Otting, a communications junior with a specialization in public relations and health promotions, is familiar with the problems that Martell described. She has been with her boyfriend, Scott, for nearly three years; however, her boyfriend is a full year in college below her and he goes to a college a few hours away.

“My boyfriend and I do not attend the same college,” said Otting. “I think this makes a big impact because when we went to the same high school, we were able to hang out almost every day. It’s really strange to switch so suddenly to seeing each other once a month.”

Martell said that many people transitioning into college relationships face obstacles because the experience is different than what they’re used to at home. “The individual going to college tends to be going through many transitions that tend to impact relationships that existed before they chose to go,” Martell said. He/she may not have the same views, beliefs, values, thoughts or opinions as before. This can cause conflict with the other partner.”

Even with these obstacles, Otting remained optimistic.

“This isn’t always a bad thing,” said Otting. “It gives you space and helps you meet new people by you not always having one another to fall back on. It also forces you to make an effort which reinforces that you truly care about one another. If you are committed enough to your relationship and stay positive, it can work out just fine.”

Martell said that while relationship experts don’t exactly know what makes a relationship last, what they do know and believe is that overall relationships that can endure tremendous transitions have something going for them and usually will last longer.

College relationships. To many, college love is the graduation from high school crushes and puppy dog love to mature relationships that, hopefully, offer promises of a bright future, post graduation and beyond – as long as you survive the ‘break up season.’

Every year between January and March, couples will begin to split for what appears to be no good reason. You may notice it among your group of friends. Couples who have dated for months and years alike will slowly begin to break things off in hopes of finding something new.

Kate Mortensen, an economics junior, has experienced relationship troubles nearly every winter.

“Its just general unhappiness,” explains Mortensen. “Everything will be going smoothly for months, but every winter things just seem to go downhill, until spring, and everything suddenly will be perfect again… It just seems like we get the winter blues or something.”

Mortensen’s relationship stresses are not unlike many around campus and are generally dismissed by students as mere winter blues; however, they may actually be side effects from a mood disorder called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD, as stated by the Mayo Clinic, is a type of depression that starts at the same time every year, usually during the winter months, and can lead to moodiness and irritability. Other symptoms include hopelessness, anxiety, loss of energy, social withdrawal and weight gain. SAD is treatable, and treatment ranges from UV light exposure to prescription drugs; however, tanning is a simpler solution that will give you the same benefits without pricey doctor visits.

Tanning may be the solution.

Sarah Munkacsy, owner and operator of Bronze Bay Tanning in downtown East Lansing is a strong believer that tanning is a viable treatment for SAD and a better alternative than taking prescription drugs.

“A lot of people come in and say ‘I’m really depressed,’” she said. “[Personally] I feel so much better when I tan.”

Munkacsy, who was diagnosed several years ago with SAD, spent several winters taking antidepressants like Prozac in an attempt to return to her normal, vibrant self.

“I just didn’t like how I felt. I usually have a type A personality, and I just didn’t feel like myself,” she said.

Upon being asked about her relationship with her husband, Munkacsy said she did not feel like she changed toward him. Her husband, who works with her at their tanning salon, told a different story, signaling that she was quite moody before she began treatment.

After several winters of taking Prozac, Munkacsy approached her doctor asking if there were any other treatment options for her SAD. Her doctor suggested tanning two to three times a week, and she hasn’t looked back.

“It’s so much better than drugs,” she said. “I feel like myself again.”

What is it about tanning that makes people feel better? Katie Edwards, an employee at Bronze Bay Tanning, explained it in simple terms.

Edwards had recently worked on a research project involving tanning and its general effects on the body. According to her research, light exposure leads to two different mood elevating chemical reactions. The first is the production of vitamin D, which studies suggest is directly related to moods; that is, the more vitamin D you have in your system, the happier you tend to be. The second reaction is the production of the neurotransmitter serotonin. Serotonin, as with vitamin D, is stimulated by light exposure and is directly linked to moodiness and possibly depression. During the summer months, most Michiganders are active and readily get sufficient light exposure; however, with the typically overcast winters, light and warm days are hard to come by. Therefore, less sunlight means less vitamin D and serotonin, and as a result also means moodiness, depression and a strain on your relationships.

SAD is suspected to affect up to 20 percent of the general population; however, Munkacsy believes most cases go undiagnosed and dismissed as moodiness or winter blues.

“I have tried tanning and do feel a lot better after I go,” said Mortensen. “I’ve never officially been diagnosed with [SAD], but whatever winter moodiness I have, it clears it up pretty well.”

Mortensen, who has struggled with relationships during the aforementioned ‘break up season,’ went on to talk about her relationships.

“It seemed like I’d get in a lot of petty fights pretty readily for no reason,” she said, “but since I started tanning it’s been a lot easier over the winter months. I just hope that [my boyfriend] feels the same way.”

“I think that most people aren’t educated about [SAD],” said Munkacsy. She suggests that anyone interested in tanning and its positive affects on mood should visit www.tanningtruth.com.

“It’s such an easy fix. If people knew how much better you feel after tanning, a lot more people would be doing it,” said Mortensen.

So before you break off another relationship between the months of January and March, try getting a tan. The results could save your relationship and make you feel more like yourself again.