It\’s All in the Stars

Coming EXTREMELY soon. The Madame was on a short sabbatical studying the kinky tantric techiniques of the Goddess Kali…and is putting the finishing touches on the \’scopes as we speak.

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It\’s All In the Stars

[1]Editor\’s Note: Thank God for the lack of Internet censorship we’re subject to – because the Madame would get us in trouble. Take her words with a grain of salt, we found her sniffing glue in the copy room again. But alas, some of her prophecies are undeniably true; after all, it\’s written in the stars.
Aquarius – It’s really not your fault, but you should not believe everything you read. You took that CNN headline seriously when it said that women who performed fellatio twice a week decreased their chances of getting breast cancer by 40 percent? Oh dear, you better wash your mouth out.
Pisces – So you’re hooking up with the new guy on the block that just got kicked out of the dorms? He’s a wild one and I’d watch out of I were you. Try getting him to do others things besides playing Boone’s pong and making small firecracker bombs to put in the street. Find something to do as a couple – try a tantra class and get panting!
Aries – There’s a reason she feels like the right one for you. Some anthropologists believe there’s a chemical component to the feelings you call love and that evolution plays a role in who you snog. You’re animal instincts have sniffed her out as someone with a very dissimilar genotype. Her plentiful orgasms have signaled a honing instinct (didn’t know you were the only man to get her going, did you?) and you two have attached. Just think how cute the kids will be!
Taurus – Another embarrassing display after the bar last night! You not only told your best friend you secretly slept with her brother but you sang I Wish I Were An Oscar Meyer Wiener in your granny panties – you may want to stay in this weekend. I’d advise having a ménage a trios with Ben and his lover Jerry.
Gemini – After playing Colonel Lingus and the damsel in distress, your girlfriend worships your tongue AND thinks you’re a chauvinist. One man’s dream is another lesbian’s nightmare. Take your turn at playing the submissive one – you’ll be surprised at how much you’ll like it.
Cancer – You’ve got crabs.
Leo – After being “bisexual” for nearly 15 years, you’ve finally come out. Good for you! Madame is proud of you; she knows how hard it can be to admit your true self. Proud Leo, the next step is to quit telling the 18 year olds that you’re 20 and a virgin. Everyone knows you’re 24 and the ridiculous amount of boi-butt you’ve encountered, and you should really live up to it. Denial is not just a river in Chelsea, err, Egypt.
Virgo – It\’s been a rough month. After you lost your girlfriend to another woman and then tried to go gay to get back at her, everything backfired. She saw you making out with a guy and realized she would never want to be with someone so feminine. She\’s still with Mandy the mechanic, the 300 lb butch lesbian that could pummel you with just one of her greasy hands. Sorry, dude, patriarchy\’s a bitch isn\’t it?
Libra – Now that you’ve shed those unsavory been-in-a–relationship-for too-long pounds, do something crazy! Fall in love again, take a trip to Vegas, get into a diaper-wearing fetish, whatev!
Scorpio – You attended the National Furry Convention with your lover only to find out that it was not about saving sheep from being cruelly buzzed, but that your new fling is into dressing up like a stuffed animal during sex. Oops! Well now that you’re freaked out, and still yearning to help the sheep that need you, I’d suggest going PETA on your lover and dumping paint on the bunny costume the next time he brings it to bed!
Sagittarius – So you’re the jerk who wrote the CNN hoax about ingesting semen to decrease chances of breast cancer! You should be ashamed. I know you probably came up with the idea because you weren’t getting enough head but that has a lot more to do with you than you think. I’ve heard all the rumors and if you didn’t have so much schmegma under your f-skin, maybe you could get some. As a woman familiar with the unclipped (in fact I prefer the raw, uncut version), PULL, LIFT and WASH! Thank you very much.
Capricorn – Really, stop drawing in that mole with eyeliner. I saw it smearing all over the place. The amount of makeup on your face is reaching frightening proportions and while RuPaul can swing it – you cannot. Let your inner beauty shine through. No man, woman or drag queen is going to date the person with the giant fake mole. In other news, Liza Minelli called and she wants her Queen of the Fag Hags title back…
Note: This is all faker than Scientology. Any resemblance to actual future events is completely coincidental.

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It\’s All In the Stars

[1]Editor\’s Note: After an unfortunate fortnight without Madame Zostra, she and her infamous ‘scopes have returned to tantalize (and scandalize) you and yours. This month she wants MSU to sharpen it\’s game and get lucky already! And who are we to question her? After all, it\’s written in the stars.
Aquarius – Look, I know you’re having a queen moment but it’s getting a little scary for the rest of us on planet Earth. The eyeliner and the shiny shaved chest are one thing – but the collagen and photos with you in the leather chaps that you’re posting on Myspace are a little much. Yes, it’s normal to get gayer the longer you’re out of the closet – and you Madame loves your glittering self – but really, throw out the riding crop and wash your face already.
Pisces – The drugs don’t work, eh? Popping all those pills after your stalkerish break up has left you feeling bereaved and bloated, but don’t worry love is on the horizon. And his name is the Rabbit. Bzzzzzzz! Don’t forget to turn it on the low setting when your roommate’s home.
Aries – It’s no bull – your new relationship looks like it’s doing well. You held out for a whole two weeks before jumping in the sack (an MSU record?). Now it’s time to go the next level (no, you dirty thing, I’m not talking about the butt). Plan a kinky getaway together to test your long-term-ability. Try a themed trip. How does ‘Pee on me’ the U.P sound? ‘All wet’ in Olivet, anyone?
Taurus – You Americans and your oral fixations. Do you even consider it sex at all with how much fluids you’re swapping via your herped-up lips? Oy! Love will find you much more easily if you lose the Head Slut rep and start priming your self-confidence with your other talents. Oh, and the ‘look what my tongue can do’ shtick you do at parties is terribly unbecoming of you. Keep it in your mouth.
Gemini – My dear, discover the wonders of make up sex this month. Start a fight with your sig.O. by bringing up their disastrous driving. Make sure to create quite a fuss and do it while actually in the car. Grab the wheel and start screaming if you’re really horny. When you get home you’ll both be so wound up that you’ll have to exert the energy somehow – remember, the madder the pookie, the hotter the nookie.
Cancer – Now that your sex life is improving, think about actually telling her about the infection. It’s only courteous. Besides, it’s better to get them frozen off now than to wait. Trust me on this one.
Leo – You’re single and raring to go –rarr, you lion, you! Go the Bar Star route and stand in line for Rick’s Thursday through Saturday. Go for what I call the “CATA” look – think “cheap, easy ride.” What do I mean by that? Mini pleated skirt, visible lace boy-shorts and strappy 4-inch sandals, shirt optional. I know it’s only 45 degrees on a warm night, but you want to end your dry spell right? Commit!
Virgo – After she dumped you for a much hotter woman, you’re understandably depressed. The logical answer to getting out of your slump? Go Brokeback on her to get even. Make sure she sees you dry humping your new man-lover at a mutual friend’s party.
Libra – Tipping the scales? After getting cozy with your new fling, it seems you’ve come undone at the sides (or at the love handles, rather). Replace the Crunch Wrap runs to the border with runs around the block. Soon your gut will shrink and you’ll actually be able to see your penis again! Glory!
Scorpio – Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve and start wearing it across your chest. Express your angst through custom t-shirts. Don’t waste your cash at the money pit they call Urban Outfitters, make your own! “ Hold me, I’m Emo” might be a good one to start with. Or, “I’m not skinny I’m just depressed” seems pretty honest.
Sagittarius – Ever since you hooked up with your professor you’ve been acting really elitist, I must say. It’s cool that you’re screwing the Ph.D. and all, but cut the snobbery. It’s not like most of your classmates haven’t at least slept with a T.A. You’re not THAT special! Besides, the walrus mustache he’s sporting (and you’re riding) is so not hot.
Capricorn – The sweet, shining face of love has graced you this month. So don’t screw it up again. Instead of telling your honey that his spunk tastes like funk, try slipping pineapple into his diet. And when you get annoyed by her hurried, shallow-throat foreplay, don’t grab any ears just yet – try leading by example and get down with her.
Note: This is all faker than Angelina’s love for children. Any resemblance to actual future events is completely coincidental.

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It\’s All In the Stars

[zos]Editor\’s Note: Madame Zostra has taken on a slightly different persona this month, but she\’s still the same 43-year-old Romanian woman we found in ISS class that delivers the most insanely truthful sex horoscopes around. That hasn\’t changed a bit. This month she\’s bound and determined to help MSU improve their relationships and sex lives, and, hey, she might be on to something. After all, it\’s written in the stars.
Aquarius – You are a hot gay man or lesbian that really needs to stop teasing the opposite sex. The way you always take your shirt off in the bar and flirt and tease and manipulate, only to turn the silly straight person down flat – it’s just cruel!
Pisces – Cut the emo act when it comes to your pathetic relationship. He (or she) is not coming back to you and the intense emo-ness you’re oozing from every orifice is just disgusting – not to mention very 2002. Madame cares, really, but you must STOP CRYING! Stop circling his house after dark and leaving dead birds in his mailbox so he can see your suffering in the form of a wormy avian. Get out to a party and hook up with someone new. Nothing says \”I’m over you\” like an unwanted pregnancy!
Aries – So, you’re in the dog house because your girlfriend caught you masturbating in bed again, huh? That’s too bad, Madame’s here. The solution? Beg and plead and tell her you’ll never walk the dog without her leash again. And if that doesn’t work, leave her for someone kinkier – like yourself.
Taurus – Like many college students, you are experimenting with your sexuality. Now, as much as I support such self-exploration, make sure you’re up-front with your partners. Contrary to popular belief, it is still cheating when you make out with girls at parties and like it (I’m not talking about the fake lesbian stuff)! And same for you boys: no girlfriend (as progressive as she may be) appreciates it when her boy is toying with her gay best friend. I’m not saying you have to make a choice of which gender you prefer (OK, it would be a little greedy not to) but keep the feelings of others in mind while you smut around town discovering yourself.
Gemini – How do they say in America, he’s not that so much into you? Whatever it is, quit trying. Sure he’s cute, but underneath that layer of love handles you so desire is a pill-popping, smells-slightly-of-cheese lecher of a man. (And one I’m keeping for myself).
Cancer – Sex is boring lately, isn’t it? Instead of the same routine with your lover (missionary on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and a sympathy doggy-style on Saturday), try spicing things up with some new positions. Don’t forget to stretch first, though. I’m still paying for a heinous groin pull from my college days.
Leo – Proud lions should unite this month. You might feel a little under siege because your last love interest (likely a sad Pisces) is stalking you. Just lay low with some bon-bons and put on 10 pounds to repulse him or her. If your colossal ego won’t permit such a change, consider changing cell phone numbers and service providers, and if another dead animal shows up at your house, get a restraining order. I know a great lawyer (don’t depend on those smarmy ASMSU freebies).
Virgo – It’s really time to get another STD test you crazy, kinky little thing. After last month’s one-night-stand marathon even Mom is wondering where those sores are coming from. Virgin, huh? Right. I need a shower.
Libra – Stop crying after sex. It’s beyond freaky.
Scorpio – Remember last month when you had to take the morning-after pill and you got sick to your stomach from it? Well, your boyfriend faked that orgasm and doesn’t have enough cajones to tell you. Dump him.
Sagittarius – You and your ostentatious self. The over-the-top, frilly persona may be working for now but you can’t ride on your own sequined coattails for too much longer. Stop it with the Elton John look, OK? To attract the serious mate you desire start looking for the slightly overweight and too-old-to-be-in-a-college-bar type and do like they say – SWOOP on that ass!
Capricorn – Admit it. You haven\’t brought him around your parents or even your friends because he\’s a scooter. Fun to ride, but hell if anyone sees you with it on the street! Good thing you\’ve just been playing tippin\’ never slippin\’. Hold off on going all the way until you can get a makeover scheduled.
Note: This is all faker than Paris Hilton\’s nose. Any resemblance to actual future events is completely coincidental.

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That Old Black Magic

[magic]After last month\’s bizarre and disturbing display, our editorial staff began counting their lucky stars that a one M. Zostra would not be on the Big Green staff anymore. That\’s both because she started to demand payment for her services and because, well, she really creeps all of us out. Imagine our surprise, then, to see her again at our recent meeting, raving on and on about not leaving until she received recompense. Luckily, she left when someone treated her to a six-pack of powered donettes. Unluckily, she wrote more horoscopes for this month.
Aries– \”There\’s going to be a party, as always, and you\’re going to go to it, as always, and you\’re going to meet a girl, as always. Everything will seem fine until something bad happens unexpectedly. Try to handle it deftly.\”
Don\’t you hate it when Horoscopes deal with such broad generalities? Yeah, me too, and that\’s why I assure you that I\’ll be as precise as possible. Basically, you won\’t be able to get it up, so try not to be too hurt when the girl laughs at you and tells it to her friends.
Taurus– You\’ll begin to consider plastic surgery this month. You\’ll say to yourself, \”oh, I just want to get my nose done. I don\’t want a nose with effing character, I want one that makes me not look like a professional boxer.\” It\’s a slippery slope from there towards breast augmentation surgeries that fill your chest cavity with dead weight, pectoral implants that look like man-boobs, ass surgeries that make you look less like J.Lo and more like an adult diaper commercial, and thigh implants that, ironically, end your desire to actually work out on a treadmill again. Soon you\’ll be making a career out of showing up on Dateline specials and book deals about the horrors of plastic surgery or, god forbid, you\’ll end up on MTV.
Gemini– Speaking of treadmills, it feels like you\’ve been running on one all month, no? Have you been too busy to do your work on time and balance the work that you do with an avid social life? Have you been… forgetting anything lately? I understand that it is now winter, and that you don\’t look good or healthy as a general rule, but you had better take the time to shower more than once a week and, AND to deodorize. Because I\’m tired of having to sit next to your bad, stinky self every Tuesday and Thursday. Why oh why do you seem to think that you sweat perfume and not bacteria carcasses and salt like the rest of us? How delusional are you that you think I wouldn\’t notice that even your sweater has pit stains?
Cancer– Under the mistaken assumption that anyone gives a rat\’s ass about your life, you may decide to apply for reality TV in lieu of having an actual life this semester. You may be surprised, but I say the more power to you. I feel that if you really want to document your own sexual escapades and emotional insecurities on television, edited liberally by UPN so that you\’re revealed for the two-dimensional, boring twenty-something caricature you are, I think that\’s great. It\’s good to have all the idiots in one place. But don\’t expect anyone to start hanging around you during your tenure on, say, the Real World for any other reason besides the fact that you\’re followed by about a bajillion cameras and microphones. And don\’t be fooled; television really, really does not suddenly make you interesting or fill that hole in you that you insist you have. So basically, milk it for all the bootie the cameras can get you (or dull us all senseless with your \”life,\” whatever. Could you at least be a train-wreck of a person? Those are fun to watch).
Leo– Your voracious sexual appetite will lead you to try working out to meet people, but unfortunately you loathe, LOATHE exercise that doesn\’t involve an orgasm. So you decide to do the least physically strenuous physical \”activity,\” yoga. You know who else decides to do yoga? Spacey middle-aged women. So unless that\’s your thing (in which case, call me!), I\’d avoid the yoga and stick to something more physically stressful, like bowling or nervous-shaking.
Virgo – Artistically speaking, you are the color black of the sex horoscopes. While red conveys passion (violent sex), blue indicates melancholy (sex with a hand), green indicates envy (fantasies) and fuchsia is a universal symbol for deep mental disturbance (bestiality), black is none of these things. Black is the absence of color. Virgo, what I\’m saying is that no, I\’m not above cheap jokes.
Libra – That Guy is coming, Libra. No, not Beats People Up to Make Up for his Effete Accent Guy or That Guy With The Faux Hawk who Refuses to Talk to You if You Don\’t Like Bright Eyes. This time, it\’s Bad, Corny Pick-up Line Used in an Ironic Fashion Guy, who totally doesn\’t get it that, no matter how he delivers it, it\’s still a cheesy pick-up line, and not even guys named Dom or Giovanni use the Windex/see myself in your pants line for any reason. Brush him off before he starts using finger quotes around you, then you\’ve already gone too far in.
Scorpio– Functional alcoholic, you say? Exactly what function is waking up in puddles of body fluids that may or may not be your own? I don\’t have to warn you about what excessive drinking can do to your life; that\’s Ted Kennedy\’s raison d\’etre. Just remember that when you black out, the whole world does not actually go away, and people will remember what you said and did. And alcohol doesn\’t just lower your inhibitions, it lowers your standards. So take it easy, lest you become someone\’s first stalking victim, their \”2gether 4ever\” object of obsession and subject of Livejournal. It just won\’t end well, trust me.
Sagittarius– Did you here about the latest herpes vaccine? I won\’t give too many details about my visions for your futures, Sagittariuses, because frankly the mental images just downright frighten me, like I\’m constantly watching a slide show for the STD unit of a health class. Just look into the vaccine, while I go watch something more soothing like Pink Flamingos or Welcome to Dollhouse or something…
Capricorn– Remember That Guy With the Faux Hawk who Refuses to Talk to You if You Don\’t Like Bright Eyes? Oh, you may be turned on by his asymetrical hair style, his never-worked-a-day-in-his-life, baby soft skin, or the ironic button collection on his Che Guevara satchel. And feel free to pursue him. Just as long as you don\’t discuss politics, music, art, television, food, alcohol, anime, video games, computers, or his dopey feelings, you\’ll be fine. You may start to believe you\’re getting a sinus infection around the time you start going out, but it\’s just his whiny voice destroying your brain cells one at a time by talking about the Fiery Furnaces\’ latest album collaboration with their grandmother again and how it\’s the best thing ever.
Aquarius– You are in college now, you know. You don\’t actually have to hang out with all your old high school friends, hanging on each other like socially dependent leeches. It\’s actually really quite gross by now; everyone knows everyone else inside-out, everyone listens to the same music and sees the same movies, everyone has their proper place in the social caste system and everyone shares the same sexually-transmitted diseases. Expand yourself; maybe you\’ll even convince yourself that you\’re unique! (You aren\’t).
Pisces– Hey, Pisces! All I see for you is drama, horrible drama. It\’s not just that things around you are going to be collapsing, they\’re going to be collapsing for all the wrong reasons. Did your boyfriend or girlfriend break up with you because you cheated on them? No, it\’s because they thought that you forgetting to get their favorite ice cream from the store was a sign that you just weren\’t meant to be. You\’ll get turned down at parties, and it won\’t be because you don\’t know most of the people or that you\’ve recently broken up your long-term relationship. Oh no, you\’ll be dismissed because you admitted that you don\’t really watch or care about hockey. And when you finally cry over your break up, it won\’t be spurred by a romantic comedy, oh no. You\’ll burst into inexplicable tears during Lost and freak your roommate(s) out.

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That Old Black Magic

[zos]Editor’s Note: The founders of The Big Green insisted from day one that, like any professional publication worth its salt, astrology must play an integral role in all aspects of its reporting. Today, The Big Green is as irrevocably linked with astrology in the minds of the public as Sonny Bono is linked to Cher, as peanut butter is linked to chocolate, and as Freddie Prinze, Jr. is linked to failure. However, no one had the unmitigated gall to profess himself or herself to be a seer to the great, grand cosmos that govern the month-to-month actions of people grouped solely by the general time of year they were born.
Until now.
As luck would have it, a 43-year-old woman who legally changed her name to “Madame Zostra” happened to enroll at MSU for this fall semester. Intrigued, The Big Green sought her out, finding her in ISS 215, speaking in a lilting, fake Romanian accent and bearing an uncanny resemblance to the bus driver from South Park. “Good enough,” we shrugged, and thus The Big Green’s Sex Horoscopes were born!
Madame Zostra’s predictions!
Aries (March 21 – April 19): So you go home and see your significant other sprawled out naked on your bed or couch or kitchen table, legs splayed, lying on a pile of rose or carnation or onion petals, right? Your first instinct could be, “How romantic!” or “How charming!” or “My awesome blossom!” Consider this very carefully, however, as those lying on the petal bed obviously have something to apologize for. And this isn’t your average I’m-sorry-I-made-out-with-your-best-friend apology, this is an I’m-sorry-I-sold-our-unborn-child-into-black-market-slavery-for-five-magic-beans apology. In the off-chance your significant other is instead getting down with your baby-back ribs, I suggest carrying a camera for the entire month of November. Congratulations, you now own his/her ass.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Listen, it’s no secret. Your parents know, the people living within 20 feet of you definitely know, and even I know, and it’s fair to say that you make me sick. It’s time to stop taking the bull by the horns and to stop emptying your water-bearer, capisce? You’ve missed classes, parties, birthdays and elections because of your little problem. You’ve so completely lost touch with reality your palms are blind and your eyes are hairy. Give it a rest, at least for your poor, poor roommate’s sake!
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Just throw out the third condom in the pack. It’s all warped and you can’t tell which side is supposed to be which, and by the time you figure it out no one’s happy. Or horny. Trust me on this one.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You will meet someone perfect, someone who so completely adore and fills your needs that you will feel comfortable enough to share your true self with them. And oh, how the perfect someone you adore will laugh and laugh and laugh at your true self. Since this is your unavoidable destiny, the most I can tell you is to at least not show Mister Perfect your poetry. Your friends only tell you your musings about a rainy day and how it symbolizes your loneliness and how the raindrops are like “bird droppings/of dispair [sic] are interesting for one reason: because they’re your friends. And you buy them liquor.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Like Cancer, you will also meet someone wonderful, but this person will be significantly older than you. He will seem charming and sophisticated because he actually reads newspapers and doesn’t believe the world revolves around himself, unlike certain people you know (specifically, you). Try as you might to convince your friends this May-December relationship is genuine, it will become more and more apparent this person also does not care about your poetry and just wants a slice of barely legal action. Ditch Wilford Brimley already, it’s creeping us all out.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Virgo? You’re kidding right?
…My editors have instructed me that they are, indeed, not kidding. Sigh. Okay, imagine the concept of absolute zero. The complete halting of molecular movement due to lack of heat energy, right? Scientists have yet to achieve this theoretical temperature in a laboratory situation, reaching mere degrees from the target of zero degrees Kelvin. But if somehow scientists discovered methods to turn your sex life into a tangible being, the mystery would be solved and the implications would no doubt be staggering.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Have you considered an online personal? Well, you shouldn’t until you’ve learned where the damn shift keys are. You think photos of your ripe, young bodies will be enough to make with the screwy-screwy? Well…maybe. But think of the long run, will you? Prospective employers decide that they’ll just plug your name into Google and see what comes up, and here comes this embarrassing MySpace profile from 2005, embedded “Yeah” midi and all, with you exclaiming, “hay! wassuppp mah doggs! i’m totally into sex and stuff if ur pic is hott enough………NO FATTIES!” Suddenly, there goes your future at IBM or in the Peace Corps. If anything, your profile should have a picture of you dressed to a tee in your business best, and it should read like a résumé. Plus, your inbox will just be swamped with replies like, “you look cute in a suit ;-)))” and “tell me more about your experience in Junior Achievement, hot stuff :-O”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your love life would be perfect if you could somehow minimize the fetishism aspects in it. You started innocently enough with doctor/nurse fetishism, and your significant other was willing to play along if it made you happy. But that led to your love of the human foot, and that led to some strange business about armpits, and that somehow led to being turned on by fully-clothed people dancing in bathtubs full of strawberry yogurt. You’re toeing a dangerous line, Scorpio, and your partner is getting distressed at the fervor of your wish to put them in rather humiliating situations. So get the pole out of your butt. Figuratively and literally.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Now is the time to really explore your sexuality. Try involving yourself in threesomes, or even more! And then tape it. And send me the tapes. Because I need the tuition, and you pretty college people going at each other like jackrabbits would really turn on the Tauruses, who will pay me. And I know the Tauruses aren’t listening to my advice or their relatives or their roommates or anyone at this point in their sad, depraved little lives.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Be warned, Capricorn: if you keep watching football while drinking huge amounts of alcohol, you will begin to think John L. Smith is the most attractive man ever. Personally, I don’t need the booze. Drool.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): It is the dawning of your age! Love will flow for you freely like the shimmering wine flowing from the cup of Dionysus. And, in Dionysian form, you also should be weary of frothing mad Maenads luring you into woods with their feminine wiles and tearing you to shreds in a frenzy of drunken ecstasy. Other than that, you’re gold.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Why am I even bothering with you, you say? You’ve been in a committed relationship with your high school sweetheart and you’ve found your soulmate? It brings you joy to tell others of your relationship and you’re not afraid to show your love for each other in a public setting, such as a restaurant, a bar, a movie theater, a bookstore, a bus stop, a bus or a classroom? My advice to you is to be cautious of my ’89 Mazda running you down on the sidewalk, because I don’t want to see your tongue prodding your damn soulmate’s bicuspids for cavities. Or maybe I’ll just film you. Those Tauruses’ll get off on anything.
Note: this is all faker than Renée Zellweger’s marriage. Any resemblance to actual future events is completely coincidental. And really, onion blossoms?

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