[1]Editor\’s Note: Thank God for the lack of Internet censorship we’re subject to – because the Madame would get us in trouble. Take her words with a grain of salt, we found her sniffing glue in the copy room again. But alas, some of her prophecies are undeniably true; after all, it\’s written in the stars.
Aquarius – It’s really not your fault, but you should not believe everything you read. You took that CNN headline seriously when it said that women who performed fellatio twice a week decreased their chances of getting breast cancer by 40 percent? Oh dear, you better wash your mouth out.
Pisces – So you’re hooking up with the new guy on the block that just got kicked out of the dorms? He’s a wild one and I’d watch out of I were you. Try getting him to do others things besides playing Boone’s pong and making small firecracker bombs to put in the street. Find something to do as a couple – try a tantra class and get panting!
Aries – There’s a reason she feels like the right one for you. Some anthropologists believe there’s a chemical component to the feelings you call love and that evolution plays a role in who you snog. You’re animal instincts have sniffed her out as someone with a very dissimilar genotype. Her plentiful orgasms have signaled a honing instinct (didn’t know you were the only man to get her going, did you?) and you two have attached. Just think how cute the kids will be!
Taurus – Another embarrassing display after the bar last night! You not only told your best friend you secretly slept with her brother but you sang I Wish I Were An Oscar Meyer Wiener in your granny panties – you may want to stay in this weekend. I’d advise having a ménage a trios with Ben and his lover Jerry.
Gemini – After playing Colonel Lingus and the damsel in distress, your girlfriend worships your tongue AND thinks you’re a chauvinist. One man’s dream is another lesbian’s nightmare. Take your turn at playing the submissive one – you’ll be surprised at how much you’ll like it.
Cancer – You’ve got crabs.
Leo – After being “bisexual” for nearly 15 years, you’ve finally come out. Good for you! Madame is proud of you; she knows how hard it can be to admit your true self. Proud Leo, the next step is to quit telling the 18 year olds that you’re 20 and a virgin. Everyone knows you’re 24 and the ridiculous amount of boi-butt you’ve encountered, and you should really live up to it. Denial is not just a river in Chelsea, err, Egypt.
Virgo – It\’s been a rough month. After you lost your girlfriend to another woman and then tried to go gay to get back at her, everything backfired. She saw you making out with a guy and realized she would never want to be with someone so feminine. She\’s still with Mandy the mechanic, the 300 lb butch lesbian that could pummel you with just one of her greasy hands. Sorry, dude, patriarchy\’s a bitch isn\’t it?
Libra – Now that you’ve shed those unsavory been-in-a–relationship-for too-long pounds, do something crazy! Fall in love again, take a trip to Vegas, get into a diaper-wearing fetish, whatev!
Scorpio – You attended the National Furry Convention with your lover only to find out that it was not about saving sheep from being cruelly buzzed, but that your new fling is into dressing up like a stuffed animal during sex. Oops! Well now that you’re freaked out, and still yearning to help the sheep that need you, I’d suggest going PETA on your lover and dumping paint on the bunny costume the next time he brings it to bed!
Sagittarius – So you’re the jerk who wrote the CNN hoax about ingesting semen to decrease chances of breast cancer! You should be ashamed. I know you probably came up with the idea because you weren’t getting enough head but that has a lot more to do with you than you think. I’ve heard all the rumors and if you didn’t have so much schmegma under your f-skin, maybe you could get some. As a woman familiar with the unclipped (in fact I prefer the raw, uncut version), PULL, LIFT and WASH! Thank you very much.
Capricorn – Really, stop drawing in that mole with eyeliner. I saw it smearing all over the place. The amount of makeup on your face is reaching frightening proportions and while RuPaul can swing it – you cannot. Let your inner beauty shine through. No man, woman or drag queen is going to date the person with the giant fake mole. In other news, Liza Minelli called and she wants her Queen of the Fag Hags title back…
Note: This is all faker than Scientology. Any resemblance to actual future events is completely coincidental.

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