[1]Editor\’s Note: After an unfortunate fortnight without Madame Zostra, she and her infamous ‘scopes have returned to tantalize (and scandalize) you and yours. This month she wants MSU to sharpen it\’s game and get lucky already! And who are we to question her? After all, it\’s written in the stars.
Aquarius – Look, I know you’re having a queen moment but it’s getting a little scary for the rest of us on planet Earth. The eyeliner and the shiny shaved chest are one thing – but the collagen and photos with you in the leather chaps that you’re posting on Myspace are a little much. Yes, it’s normal to get gayer the longer you’re out of the closet – and you Madame loves your glittering self – but really, throw out the riding crop and wash your face already.
Pisces – The drugs don’t work, eh? Popping all those pills after your stalkerish break up has left you feeling bereaved and bloated, but don’t worry love is on the horizon. And his name is the Rabbit. Bzzzzzzz! Don’t forget to turn it on the low setting when your roommate’s home.
Aries – It’s no bull – your new relationship looks like it’s doing well. You held out for a whole two weeks before jumping in the sack (an MSU record?). Now it’s time to go the next level (no, you dirty thing, I’m not talking about the butt). Plan a kinky getaway together to test your long-term-ability. Try a themed trip. How does ‘Pee on me’ the U.P sound? ‘All wet’ in Olivet, anyone?
Taurus – You Americans and your oral fixations. Do you even consider it sex at all with how much fluids you’re swapping via your herped-up lips? Oy! Love will find you much more easily if you lose the Head Slut rep and start priming your self-confidence with your other talents. Oh, and the ‘look what my tongue can do’ shtick you do at parties is terribly unbecoming of you. Keep it in your mouth.
Gemini – My dear, discover the wonders of make up sex this month. Start a fight with your sig.O. by bringing up their disastrous driving. Make sure to create quite a fuss and do it while actually in the car. Grab the wheel and start screaming if you’re really horny. When you get home you’ll both be so wound up that you’ll have to exert the energy somehow – remember, the madder the pookie, the hotter the nookie.
Cancer – Now that your sex life is improving, think about actually telling her about the infection. It’s only courteous. Besides, it’s better to get them frozen off now than to wait. Trust me on this one.
Leo – You’re single and raring to go –rarr, you lion, you! Go the Bar Star route and stand in line for Rick’s Thursday through Saturday. Go for what I call the “CATA” look – think “cheap, easy ride.” What do I mean by that? Mini pleated skirt, visible lace boy-shorts and strappy 4-inch sandals, shirt optional. I know it’s only 45 degrees on a warm night, but you want to end your dry spell right? Commit!
Virgo – After she dumped you for a much hotter woman, you’re understandably depressed. The logical answer to getting out of your slump? Go Brokeback on her to get even. Make sure she sees you dry humping your new man-lover at a mutual friend’s party.
Libra – Tipping the scales? After getting cozy with your new fling, it seems you’ve come undone at the sides (or at the love handles, rather). Replace the Crunch Wrap runs to the border with runs around the block. Soon your gut will shrink and you’ll actually be able to see your penis again! Glory!
Scorpio – Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve and start wearing it across your chest. Express your angst through custom t-shirts. Don’t waste your cash at the money pit they call Urban Outfitters, make your own! “ Hold me, I’m Emo” might be a good one to start with. Or, “I’m not skinny I’m just depressed” seems pretty honest.
Sagittarius – Ever since you hooked up with your professor you’ve been acting really elitist, I must say. It’s cool that you’re screwing the Ph.D. and all, but cut the snobbery. It’s not like most of your classmates haven’t at least slept with a T.A. You’re not THAT special! Besides, the walrus mustache he’s sporting (and you’re riding) is so not hot.
Capricorn – The sweet, shining face of love has graced you this month. So don’t screw it up again. Instead of telling your honey that his spunk tastes like funk, try slipping pineapple into his diet. And when you get annoyed by her hurried, shallow-throat foreplay, don’t grab any ears just yet – try leading by example and get down with her.
Note: This is all faker than Angelina’s love for children. Any resemblance to actual future events is completely coincidental.

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