[zos]Editor\’s Note: Madame Zostra has taken on a slightly different persona this month, but she\’s still the same 43-year-old Romanian woman we found in ISS class that delivers the most insanely truthful sex horoscopes around. That hasn\’t changed a bit. This month she\’s bound and determined to help MSU improve their relationships and sex lives, and, hey, she might be on to something. After all, it\’s written in the stars.
Aquarius – You are a hot gay man or lesbian that really needs to stop teasing the opposite sex. The way you always take your shirt off in the bar and flirt and tease and manipulate, only to turn the silly straight person down flat – it’s just cruel!
Pisces – Cut the emo act when it comes to your pathetic relationship. He (or she) is not coming back to you and the intense emo-ness you’re oozing from every orifice is just disgusting – not to mention very 2002. Madame cares, really, but you must STOP CRYING! Stop circling his house after dark and leaving dead birds in his mailbox so he can see your suffering in the form of a wormy avian. Get out to a party and hook up with someone new. Nothing says \”I’m over you\” like an unwanted pregnancy!
Aries – So, you’re in the dog house because your girlfriend caught you masturbating in bed again, huh? That’s too bad, Madame’s here. The solution? Beg and plead and tell her you’ll never walk the dog without her leash again. And if that doesn’t work, leave her for someone kinkier – like yourself.
Taurus – Like many college students, you are experimenting with your sexuality. Now, as much as I support such self-exploration, make sure you’re up-front with your partners. Contrary to popular belief, it is still cheating when you make out with girls at parties and like it (I’m not talking about the fake lesbian stuff)! And same for you boys: no girlfriend (as progressive as she may be) appreciates it when her boy is toying with her gay best friend. I’m not saying you have to make a choice of which gender you prefer (OK, it would be a little greedy not to) but keep the feelings of others in mind while you smut around town discovering yourself.
Gemini – How do they say in America, he’s not that so much into you? Whatever it is, quit trying. Sure he’s cute, but underneath that layer of love handles you so desire is a pill-popping, smells-slightly-of-cheese lecher of a man. (And one I’m keeping for myself).
Cancer – Sex is boring lately, isn’t it? Instead of the same routine with your lover (missionary on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and a sympathy doggy-style on Saturday), try spicing things up with some new positions. Don’t forget to stretch first, though. I’m still paying for a heinous groin pull from my college days.
Leo – Proud lions should unite this month. You might feel a little under siege because your last love interest (likely a sad Pisces) is stalking you. Just lay low with some bon-bons and put on 10 pounds to repulse him or her. If your colossal ego won’t permit such a change, consider changing cell phone numbers and service providers, and if another dead animal shows up at your house, get a restraining order. I know a great lawyer (don’t depend on those smarmy ASMSU freebies).
Virgo – It’s really time to get another STD test you crazy, kinky little thing. After last month’s one-night-stand marathon even Mom is wondering where those sores are coming from. Virgin, huh? Right. I need a shower.
Libra – Stop crying after sex. It’s beyond freaky.
Scorpio – Remember last month when you had to take the morning-after pill and you got sick to your stomach from it? Well, your boyfriend faked that orgasm and doesn’t have enough cajones to tell you. Dump him.
Sagittarius – You and your ostentatious self. The over-the-top, frilly persona may be working for now but you can’t ride on your own sequined coattails for too much longer. Stop it with the Elton John look, OK? To attract the serious mate you desire start looking for the slightly overweight and too-old-to-be-in-a-college-bar type and do like they say – SWOOP on that ass!
Capricorn – Admit it. You haven\’t brought him around your parents or even your friends because he\’s a scooter. Fun to ride, but hell if anyone sees you with it on the street! Good thing you\’ve just been playing tippin\’ never slippin\’. Hold off on going all the way until you can get a makeover scheduled.
Note: This is all faker than Paris Hilton\’s nose. Any resemblance to actual future events is completely coincidental.

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