[magic]After last month\’s bizarre and disturbing display, our editorial staff began counting their lucky stars that a one M. Zostra would not be on the Big Green staff anymore. That\’s both because she started to demand payment for her services and because, well, she really creeps all of us out. Imagine our surprise, then, to see her again at our recent meeting, raving on and on about not leaving until she received recompense. Luckily, she left when someone treated her to a six-pack of powered donettes. Unluckily, she wrote more horoscopes for this month.
Aries– \”There\’s going to be a party, as always, and you\’re going to go to it, as always, and you\’re going to meet a girl, as always. Everything will seem fine until something bad happens unexpectedly. Try to handle it deftly.\”
Don\’t you hate it when Horoscopes deal with such broad generalities? Yeah, me too, and that\’s why I assure you that I\’ll be as precise as possible. Basically, you won\’t be able to get it up, so try not to be too hurt when the girl laughs at you and tells it to her friends.
Taurus– You\’ll begin to consider plastic surgery this month. You\’ll say to yourself, \”oh, I just want to get my nose done. I don\’t want a nose with effing character, I want one that makes me not look like a professional boxer.\” It\’s a slippery slope from there towards breast augmentation surgeries that fill your chest cavity with dead weight, pectoral implants that look like man-boobs, ass surgeries that make you look less like J.Lo and more like an adult diaper commercial, and thigh implants that, ironically, end your desire to actually work out on a treadmill again. Soon you\’ll be making a career out of showing up on Dateline specials and book deals about the horrors of plastic surgery or, god forbid, you\’ll end up on MTV.
Gemini– Speaking of treadmills, it feels like you\’ve been running on one all month, no? Have you been too busy to do your work on time and balance the work that you do with an avid social life? Have you been… forgetting anything lately? I understand that it is now winter, and that you don\’t look good or healthy as a general rule, but you had better take the time to shower more than once a week and, AND to deodorize. Because I\’m tired of having to sit next to your bad, stinky self every Tuesday and Thursday. Why oh why do you seem to think that you sweat perfume and not bacteria carcasses and salt like the rest of us? How delusional are you that you think I wouldn\’t notice that even your sweater has pit stains?
Cancer– Under the mistaken assumption that anyone gives a rat\’s ass about your life, you may decide to apply for reality TV in lieu of having an actual life this semester. You may be surprised, but I say the more power to you. I feel that if you really want to document your own sexual escapades and emotional insecurities on television, edited liberally by UPN so that you\’re revealed for the two-dimensional, boring twenty-something caricature you are, I think that\’s great. It\’s good to have all the idiots in one place. But don\’t expect anyone to start hanging around you during your tenure on, say, the Real World for any other reason besides the fact that you\’re followed by about a bajillion cameras and microphones. And don\’t be fooled; television really, really does not suddenly make you interesting or fill that hole in you that you insist you have. So basically, milk it for all the bootie the cameras can get you (or dull us all senseless with your \”life,\” whatever. Could you at least be a train-wreck of a person? Those are fun to watch).
Leo– Your voracious sexual appetite will lead you to try working out to meet people, but unfortunately you loathe, LOATHE exercise that doesn\’t involve an orgasm. So you decide to do the least physically strenuous physical \”activity,\” yoga. You know who else decides to do yoga? Spacey middle-aged women. So unless that\’s your thing (in which case, call me!), I\’d avoid the yoga and stick to something more physically stressful, like bowling or nervous-shaking.
Virgo – Artistically speaking, you are the color black of the sex horoscopes. While red conveys passion (violent sex), blue indicates melancholy (sex with a hand), green indicates envy (fantasies) and fuchsia is a universal symbol for deep mental disturbance (bestiality), black is none of these things. Black is the absence of color. Virgo, what I\’m saying is that no, I\’m not above cheap jokes.
Libra – That Guy is coming, Libra. No, not Beats People Up to Make Up for his Effete Accent Guy or That Guy With The Faux Hawk who Refuses to Talk to You if You Don\’t Like Bright Eyes. This time, it\’s Bad, Corny Pick-up Line Used in an Ironic Fashion Guy, who totally doesn\’t get it that, no matter how he delivers it, it\’s still a cheesy pick-up line, and not even guys named Dom or Giovanni use the Windex/see myself in your pants line for any reason. Brush him off before he starts using finger quotes around you, then you\’ve already gone too far in.
Scorpio– Functional alcoholic, you say? Exactly what function is waking up in puddles of body fluids that may or may not be your own? I don\’t have to warn you about what excessive drinking can do to your life; that\’s Ted Kennedy\’s raison d\’etre. Just remember that when you black out, the whole world does not actually go away, and people will remember what you said and did. And alcohol doesn\’t just lower your inhibitions, it lowers your standards. So take it easy, lest you become someone\’s first stalking victim, their \”2gether 4ever\” object of obsession and subject of Livejournal. It just won\’t end well, trust me.
Sagittarius– Did you here about the latest herpes vaccine? I won\’t give too many details about my visions for your futures, Sagittariuses, because frankly the mental images just downright frighten me, like I\’m constantly watching a slide show for the STD unit of a health class. Just look into the vaccine, while I go watch something more soothing like Pink Flamingos or Welcome to Dollhouse or something…
Capricorn– Remember That Guy With the Faux Hawk who Refuses to Talk to You if You Don\’t Like Bright Eyes? Oh, you may be turned on by his asymetrical hair style, his never-worked-a-day-in-his-life, baby soft skin, or the ironic button collection on his Che Guevara satchel. And feel free to pursue him. Just as long as you don\’t discuss politics, music, art, television, food, alcohol, anime, video games, computers, or his dopey feelings, you\’ll be fine. You may start to believe you\’re getting a sinus infection around the time you start going out, but it\’s just his whiny voice destroying your brain cells one at a time by talking about the Fiery Furnaces\’ latest album collaboration with their grandmother again and how it\’s the best thing ever.
Aquarius– You are in college now, you know. You don\’t actually have to hang out with all your old high school friends, hanging on each other like socially dependent leeches. It\’s actually really quite gross by now; everyone knows everyone else inside-out, everyone listens to the same music and sees the same movies, everyone has their proper place in the social caste system and everyone shares the same sexually-transmitted diseases. Expand yourself; maybe you\’ll even convince yourself that you\’re unique! (You aren\’t).
Pisces– Hey, Pisces! All I see for you is drama, horrible drama. It\’s not just that things around you are going to be collapsing, they\’re going to be collapsing for all the wrong reasons. Did your boyfriend or girlfriend break up with you because you cheated on them? No, it\’s because they thought that you forgetting to get their favorite ice cream from the store was a sign that you just weren\’t meant to be. You\’ll get turned down at parties, and it won\’t be because you don\’t know most of the people or that you\’ve recently broken up your long-term relationship. Oh no, you\’ll be dismissed because you admitted that you don\’t really watch or care about hockey. And when you finally cry over your break up, it won\’t be spurred by a romantic comedy, oh no. You\’ll burst into inexplicable tears during Lost and freak your roommate(s) out.

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