There are so many earnest issues we, the Arts & Culture staff at The Big Green, could focus on at the year’s end and the beginning of new opportunities and a fresh (well, kind of) slate.
We could resolve to fight for better environmental laws, so that natural disasters like Katrina and last year’s tsunami could be prevented. We could ask President Simon for more help with loans and payments for college students. We could even go as far as saying that we will put an end to the labeling of everyone around us (chotch, emo, scene kid, computer geek, sorostitute…), but that is literally beyond our control.
But we don’t know how to be serious, so instead, we’ll join the ranks of E! and VH-1 and focus endlessly on those media whores and attention-grabbing celebs, as we predict what the arts and culture scene of the world, according to a few measly MSU students, will be like for 2006.
Brace yourself for the brass, the shallow and hopefully the slightly funny predictions we have for the new year.
Pleasant Thoughts for the Rich and Famous
By Kari Jones, Arts & Culture writer and journalism junior
[kari2]What will 2006 bring?
I predict the upcoming year will begin with rumors of a Beyonce and Jay-Z engagement, which they will, of course, deny, following the Spears and Federline divorce.
McDonalds will come up with a super-duper-size, which will cause larger-than-the-French America to gain an additional 20 pounds. Due to this, Richard Simmons will be the Bill Gates of 2006.
Bush will accuse Kanye West of hating white people and will become the new spokesperson for Pepsi in March.
R. Kelly will finally come out of the closet around June only to find himself trapped in the bathroom with a severe burning sensation in an unmentionable place. This, however, will not be released on DVD.
MTV will create a new reality show called When the Rich and Spoiled Go Broke, where the Laguna Beach cast joins the Sweet Sixteen young ladies in a small apartment in Compton, Calif., and are forced to get jobs and work. The drama will spin out of control, topping any conflicts the Real World seasons have seen so far.
As for me, I plan to exercise regularly, eat healthy, read more, start skipping the bar instead of class, and break this procrastination spell.
Of Fashion Faux Pas and Emo-ness
By Cara Binder, Arts & Culture writer and journalism sophomore
[cara2]The year of ‘06 is here and with it comes some predictions on what will go down in the arts and culture scene…
Emo kids will resort to buying clothes at Hollister in a desperate attempt to distinguish themselves from other emo kids.
O.A.R. will discover a new way to incorporate front porches, beer, and the phrase “hey-oh!” in a song.
People will finally stop wearing “Vote for Pedro” apparel.
The Killers will be charged with manslaughter.
The fraternity system will discover an untapped source of even more drunk and more stupid girls: high school prom parties.
Stoners will realize that BTB satisfies the munchies better than Bell’s.
The ownership of 24/7 will change and be renamed 86,400 sec/day.
Feminist activists will open a Big Mommy taxi service.
Girls will come back from Christmas break wearing Uggs that end at their crotch to further enhance horribly costly fashion sense.
There will be more reports of Cy Stewart showing his excellent command of emotions by crying in his lectures. And…
The Big Green will become world renowned.
2006’s Forecast? Paris Hilton\’s Not on the Radar
By Erik Adams, Arts & Culture writer and journalism junior
[erik3]Former child star/professional train wreck Danny Bonaduce explodes. Fortunately, the explosion is caught by the “Breaking Bonaduce” cameras, and the episode becomes the most watched in cable television history.
After stripping the programming mine (the 70s, the 80s three times, the 90s twice, and the holidays), VH1 commissions “I Love I Love the Shows”, a miniseries where the stars of “I Love the…” comment on their favorite parts of “I Love the…”. Michael Ian Black openly weeps through the entire taping.
Paris Hilton “retires” from partying. The next day, she is erased from the public consciousness.
“Brokeback Mountain” wins the Academy Award for Best Picture, scoring a major victory for gay cowboys worldwide. In an undisclosed location, Rush Limbaugh suffers a massive coronary.
Following an accidental cameo of coos and baby talk on Kevin Federline’s “The Truth,” a major label bidding war breaks out over Sean Preston Federline. Island/Def Jam ends up victorious, signing Federline to a $30 million, three record contract. His debut, “Pppppht Gah Goo Thhhhhhhhhhp” is released in November, and will go on to sell over one million copies in its first day in stores.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes give birth to a 10 pound, 10 ounce baby alien. No one is surprised.
“Chapelle’s Show” returns to Comedy Central. Lawmakers begin searching for ways to make quoting the show illegal.
Howard Stern is fired by Sirius Satellite radio when the company realizes that people don’t want to pay $12.95/month to hear farting midgets.
2006 Travels Back 10 Years to the Height of POGS!
By Matt Flint, Arts & Culture writer and journalism sophomore
Culture in 2006 will be able to be summed up with one word: POGS. Forget about playing beer pong and parties. College students across the nation will begin to collect the pogs with their favorite images on them. The Kanye West Pog, the Harry Potter Pog, the limited edition Tom Cruise Scientology Pog (the one with all of the alien pictures on it) – they will all be top sellers at Urban Outfitters in 2006. In dorm rooms, coffee shops, and frat houses, everyone will be bragging about the awesome slammer they just got. An obvious result of this will be numerous Facebook communities.
Musical Musings for a “Better” 2006
By Megan Merritt, Arts & Culture writer and journalism senior
The year 2005 seemed in flux; the talented bands were still performing amazingly and way beyond expected talent and dramatic, ironical-posing bands were still whining. In the year to come, The White Stripes will dominate, Franz Ferdinand will stylishly shine and all the \”The\” bands will reign with indie-pop bravado…but The Killers will continue to be unimpressive. \”Top 40\” music will always and forever float in extreme mediocrity with a devoted, over-willing and chaotic fan base. Ashlee Simpson will keep on shocking and awing while William Shatner will break through with an album more avant-garde than ever seemed possible. Oh, and look out for Morrissey\’s new album – the man is immortal.
Eminem will realize all his anger was trite, Nicole Richie will start writing Harlequin romance novels, Jessica Simpson will find a beau more shameless than Britney\’s and Oprah will become a corporation. K. Fed will open a string of Kwik-E-Marts outside Los Angeles, Angelina will still be a saucy femme fatale and Justin Timberlake will finally realize how annoying Cameron Diaz is.
Hollywood will be astir as the year turns its page, the greater public will still be angry about the nation\’s welfare and Urban Outfitters will continue to epitomize contrived pop-culture.
For 2006, the glamour will mix with the grief and politics will get personal; but the rest of us will continue to get over it and move on.
Blue Collars, Burned Books and Throw-way-back T\’s
By Molly Benningfield, Arts & Culture editor and English junior
[molly2]Jennifer Aniston will realize that, although Vince Vaughn is charming and witty, he doesn’t try to adopt small children from third-world countries and visit the sick on Thanksgiving. She will then decide she needs to stop playing the same character all the time and try out for Blue Collar Comedy: The Rumors Don’t Make Friends Tour.
Instead of using so-called “retro” phrases to adorn t-shirts, Urban Outfitters will really kick it back to the old ages with specialty shirts from Victorian England, the Old West and the Roman Empire. Is that a walking stick poking through your waistcoat, or are you just exuberant to see me?, My homestead sure is lonely, want to bring your carriage over and share some cornmeal? and My Other Chariot is Being Tended to By My Servants will be all the rage.
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown will be asked to host a political commentary show on Fox News.
K. Fed’s new album will come out to mixed reviews, until Britney performs with him at the SuperBowl halftime show, alongside Aerosmith and Nelly, catapulting his career. He will first pose for a racy Rolling Stones cover, then slither with a snake across the stage during the MTV VMAs, and will then spiral downwards after he meets someone who is even more of a freeloader than he is.
East Lansing will get a music scene that rivals the Detroit mecca, thus forcing members of the City Council to build more venues in the downtown area.
Mary-Kate Olsen will shock everyone by dating Uncle Jesse, I mean, John Stamos. Her sister, Ashley, not wanting to be outdone, will be seen canoodling with Joey Gladstone (woops, Dave Coulier), but will then cut-it-out with him when she realizes how annoying his voices really are.
Fahrenheit 451 will become a reality, as George W. Bush takes on the persona of Beatty, the fire chief, and starts burning all of America’s literature, after he realizes that most of today’s novels are critical of his administration.
And finally, my New Year’s Resolution will be simply to git-r-done.