[zos]Editor’s Note: The founders of The Big Green insisted from day one that, like any professional publication worth its salt, astrology must play an integral role in all aspects of its reporting. Today, The Big Green is as irrevocably linked with astrology in the minds of the public as Sonny Bono is linked to Cher, as peanut butter is linked to chocolate, and as Freddie Prinze, Jr. is linked to failure. However, no one had the unmitigated gall to profess himself or herself to be a seer to the great, grand cosmos that govern the month-to-month actions of people grouped solely by the general time of year they were born.
Until now.
As luck would have it, a 43-year-old woman who legally changed her name to “Madame Zostra” happened to enroll at MSU for this fall semester. Intrigued, The Big Green sought her out, finding her in ISS 215, speaking in a lilting, fake Romanian accent and bearing an uncanny resemblance to the bus driver from South Park. “Good enough,” we shrugged, and thus The Big Green’s Sex Horoscopes were born!
Madame Zostra’s predictions!
Aries (March 21 – April 19): So you go home and see your significant other sprawled out naked on your bed or couch or kitchen table, legs splayed, lying on a pile of rose or carnation or onion petals, right? Your first instinct could be, “How romantic!” or “How charming!” or “My awesome blossom!” Consider this very carefully, however, as those lying on the petal bed obviously have something to apologize for. And this isn’t your average I’m-sorry-I-made-out-with-your-best-friend apology, this is an I’m-sorry-I-sold-our-unborn-child-into-black-market-slavery-for-five-magic-beans apology. In the off-chance your significant other is instead getting down with your baby-back ribs, I suggest carrying a camera for the entire month of November. Congratulations, you now own his/her ass.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Listen, it’s no secret. Your parents know, the people living within 20 feet of you definitely know, and even I know, and it’s fair to say that you make me sick. It’s time to stop taking the bull by the horns and to stop emptying your water-bearer, capisce? You’ve missed classes, parties, birthdays and elections because of your little problem. You’ve so completely lost touch with reality your palms are blind and your eyes are hairy. Give it a rest, at least for your poor, poor roommate’s sake!
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Just throw out the third condom in the pack. It’s all warped and you can’t tell which side is supposed to be which, and by the time you figure it out no one’s happy. Or horny. Trust me on this one.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You will meet someone perfect, someone who so completely adore and fills your needs that you will feel comfortable enough to share your true self with them. And oh, how the perfect someone you adore will laugh and laugh and laugh at your true self. Since this is your unavoidable destiny, the most I can tell you is to at least not show Mister Perfect your poetry. Your friends only tell you your musings about a rainy day and how it symbolizes your loneliness and how the raindrops are like “bird droppings/of dispair [sic] are interesting for one reason: because they’re your friends. And you buy them liquor.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Like Cancer, you will also meet someone wonderful, but this person will be significantly older than you. He will seem charming and sophisticated because he actually reads newspapers and doesn’t believe the world revolves around himself, unlike certain people you know (specifically, you). Try as you might to convince your friends this May-December relationship is genuine, it will become more and more apparent this person also does not care about your poetry and just wants a slice of barely legal action. Ditch Wilford Brimley already, it’s creeping us all out.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Virgo? You’re kidding right?
…My editors have instructed me that they are, indeed, not kidding. Sigh. Okay, imagine the concept of absolute zero. The complete halting of molecular movement due to lack of heat energy, right? Scientists have yet to achieve this theoretical temperature in a laboratory situation, reaching mere degrees from the target of zero degrees Kelvin. But if somehow scientists discovered methods to turn your sex life into a tangible being, the mystery would be solved and the implications would no doubt be staggering.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Have you considered an online personal? Well, you shouldn’t until you’ve learned where the damn shift keys are. You think photos of your ripe, young bodies will be enough to make with the screwy-screwy? Well…maybe. But think of the long run, will you? Prospective employers decide that they’ll just plug your name into Google and see what comes up, and here comes this embarrassing MySpace profile from 2005, embedded “Yeah” midi and all, with you exclaiming, “hay! wassuppp mah doggs! i’m totally into sex and stuff if ur pic is hott enough………NO FATTIES!” Suddenly, there goes your future at IBM or in the Peace Corps. If anything, your profile should have a picture of you dressed to a tee in your business best, and it should read like a résumé. Plus, your inbox will just be swamped with replies like, “you look cute in a suit ;-)))” and “tell me more about your experience in Junior Achievement, hot stuff :-O”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your love life would be perfect if you could somehow minimize the fetishism aspects in it. You started innocently enough with doctor/nurse fetishism, and your significant other was willing to play along if it made you happy. But that led to your love of the human foot, and that led to some strange business about armpits, and that somehow led to being turned on by fully-clothed people dancing in bathtubs full of strawberry yogurt. You’re toeing a dangerous line, Scorpio, and your partner is getting distressed at the fervor of your wish to put them in rather humiliating situations. So get the pole out of your butt. Figuratively and literally.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Now is the time to really explore your sexuality. Try involving yourself in threesomes, or even more! And then tape it. And send me the tapes. Because I need the tuition, and you pretty college people going at each other like jackrabbits would really turn on the Tauruses, who will pay me. And I know the Tauruses aren’t listening to my advice or their relatives or their roommates or anyone at this point in their sad, depraved little lives.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Be warned, Capricorn: if you keep watching football while drinking huge amounts of alcohol, you will begin to think John L. Smith is the most attractive man ever. Personally, I don’t need the booze. Drool.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): It is the dawning of your age! Love will flow for you freely like the shimmering wine flowing from the cup of Dionysus. And, in Dionysian form, you also should be weary of frothing mad Maenads luring you into woods with their feminine wiles and tearing you to shreds in a frenzy of drunken ecstasy. Other than that, you’re gold.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Why am I even bothering with you, you say? You’ve been in a committed relationship with your high school sweetheart and you’ve found your soulmate? It brings you joy to tell others of your relationship and you’re not afraid to show your love for each other in a public setting, such as a restaurant, a bar, a movie theater, a bookstore, a bus stop, a bus or a classroom? My advice to you is to be cautious of my ’89 Mazda running you down on the sidewalk, because I don’t want to see your tongue prodding your damn soulmate’s bicuspids for cavities. Or maybe I’ll just film you. Those Tauruses’ll get off on anything.
Note: this is all faker than Renée Zellweger’s marriage. Any resemblance to actual future events is completely coincidental. And really, onion blossoms?

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