Hil (Duff, that is),
Hey, hey, hey! How’s my best girlfriend? I’m good, but I totally just bombed a quiz today. I mean, c’mon, what’s up with the reading? OMG that cute boy just looked at me. Woops, I got distracted.
Anyway, I heard you just came out with a greatest hits album. WTF? OK, I know we’re like really good friends and all (I mean, I even watched Cheaper by the Dozen just for you), but what were you thinking? I know, I know. The Disney Channel made you do it. No? Well, I mean you are a product of that station, right? They turn out sugary pop princesses all the time. But honey, you’ve only had a string (and by string, I mean a thin, quivering in the wind string) of hits.
“Why Not?” you might say? Well, here’s why: greatest hits albums are reserved for legends who, after years of brilliant work, need to compile their numerous songs together to make a double-disc special edition of greatest hits. Not for someone who can’t decide whether they want to sing or act (OMG, I didn’t really mean that, I just heard someone talking behind your back that said that and I wanted you to know). They also said that you would need to scrape up enough one-hit wonders to make up the bare minimum of a 13-track dismal album. Oh, and remixes don’t count. So, it looks like your numbers are down to a dreary nine.
I really hate sounding so mean, but what’s a BFF supposed to do? I tell you the truth, that’s it. Like, remember that time you had food in your teeth and Benjy was coming over? I’ve got your back, you know that. I just want to save you from truly embarrassing yourself.
And I guess, while we’re on the subject, doing a greatest hits album is “So Yesterday,” wouldn’t you say? (Yes, I love the puns and the puns love me.) Remember “All My Life,” by K-Ci and Jo-Jo? Yes, the song that was on repeat during 8th grade after-school dances became available earlier this year, along with the rest of their unforgettable hits. Oh, rejoice!
But probably my favorite greatest hits album belongs to a certain Mrs. Federline. Oh, Britney, why? Didn’t K.Fed tell her that it would be bad for her career? (Take advice from him, Brit- he knows what he’s doing). “Greatest Hits: My Prerogative” might have been great in theory (OK, who am I kidding? It’s even laughable in the drawing room.) Please, oh please, if she makes another greatest hits album, I hope she’ll call it, “Oops, I Did It Again.” Because then, it would actually be true.
Another teen queen-turned-actress-turned-clothing line entrepeneur-turned-Hollywood girlfriend also put out a greatest hits CD: Mandy Moore. Did she compile it with hits from her movies or from her albums? Because it looks like she’s had way more success on the film side of the business. I mean, we’ve all seen “A Walk to Remember,” and it was truly a masterpiece. (Don’t worry, Hil, I’ve got your back with this Mandy girl. She won’t take the whole “nice girl who sings and acts” away from you. We’ll find some incriminating photo of her and then put it all over the Internet! Yay, technology!)
I think I’ll hold out for the Backstreet Boys greatest hits album. That’ll be a great day… What? They put one out in 2001? OK, now this is getting a little ridiculous.
A word to the wise, Hil. Next time, why don’t you take advice from Bob Dylan and Michael Jackson and put it out when you’ve got street cred. Right now, M.J. has more than you, and he’s got that whole “Neverland” thing attached to his name.
If one of the Simpson sisters puts up a greatest hits album, I may go crazy…
L(ove) Y(a) L(ike) A S(ista),
P.S. Write me back before 5th period. I wanna talk before school is over, because my mom is picking me up today.

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