[traci]I sometimes like to pretend my upcoming graduation ceremony will actually be about me and my fellow graduates. In other words, I like to lie to myself. I know, come May 6, I’ll be sitting in the Breslin Center, my head dipping toward my chest every few seconds as some incredibly dull Washington phony rambles on aimlessly, while administrators pat themselves on the back for securing the most boring, graying and irrelevant speaker possible.
But I cling to the hope that someday, somehow, the administration will invite someone to speak who doesn’t suck. So, for the Board’s consideration, I present my picks for the 2005 Commencement Speaker.
Ken Jennings – The answer is: With his amazing run on “Jeopardy,” Jennings has proven that by spending entire weeks straight reading the encyclopedia, we too can win our fame and fortune on a game show. What more inspirational success story is there?
Barrack Obama – As my friend Les says, he may be the best politician ever, or the anti-christ. We’re not sure, but at least he’s easy on the eyes.
Daniel Stern – You may know him from “Home Alone” or “City Slickers,” but I bet you didn’t realize he was the conscience of our generation, the grown-up voice of Kevin Arnold on “The Wonder Years.” Imagine us graduates sitting in our cap and gowns, as our very own voiceover floats over the crowd, marking the end of the last episode of our coming-of-age.
Laura Ingalls Wilder – I’ll admit, it took more time than it should have for me to decide whether or not she was dead, but then I realized SHE LIVED ON THE PRAIRIE. Regardless of her post-mortem state, she’s perfect for the spot as speaker, since it’s the 150th birthday of our land-grant university, built on the values of agriculture and taking over the Native Americans’ land. And talk about overcoming struggles: dust storms, disease, fording streams – all things we, too, had to overcome on the Oregon Trail… the computer game.
Bono – He’s being nominated for everything else this spring, including VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” so why not invite him to sing a few bars? Of course, we’ll have to set his microphone to self-destruct after about 15 minutes of his incessant rhyming.
Jon Stewart – No one has connected with our generation like this “Daily Show” anchor. He’s stuck by us “stoned slackers” throughout our college years, and with his combination of shameless wit and unforgiving intellect, he has never betrayed us, unlike everyone else in the media.
I realize our commencement speaker is already booked and in the middle of finding the perfect Ralph Waldo Emerson quote for the occasion, but if for some reason this person can’t quite make it, please consider these un-sucky options as a replacement. We, the class of 2005, deserve it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *