It’s spring break once again. The time when college kids from across the country flood the streets, beaches and bars of exotic locales wearing as little clothing as possible. What better time is there? Take advantage of your spring breaker status this year by exceeding all those old blasé expectations of booze and beaches – take it to the next level and become the ultimate spring breaker. How to top last year’s drunken stint on “Girls Gone Wild,” you ask? Read on, my tanned friend, and discover the secrets of being an ultimate spring breaker.
Explore new ground. The art of an ultimate spring breaker is leaving a lasting impression that goes above and beyond what has already been done. Generations have danced in these streets, flashed many a boob and addressed Mexican police with various four-letter words; you will not leave your own mark unless you conquer new territory. This means not only having an outrageous game plan, but also sticking to it, no matter how many tequila shots you’ve had. Remember, what happens in Cancun stays in Cancun. The ultimate spring breaker understands this, and doesn’t just want to bend the old rules, but break new rules no one has even fathomed before.
[camera] Behave as though a camera is always on you. (Preferably one from basic cable; networks are just too tame.) Know that camera, love that camera – hell, make love to that camera. Draw attention to yourself by any means necessary. Dance, flirt, punch, kick, scream; from the moment you step off that plane, everything you do must be TV material. Remember, MTV may say it’s in South Padre, but it very well could be wherever you are, too. Never forget that. The last thing you want is to find yourself broadcast over the globe taking in the culture of the area while wearing something that doesn’t cling to your body by mere strings.
Speaking of which, stop wearing clothes that cover more than 10% of your body (or, just stop wearing clothes altogether). Tanning is obviously a must and should have commenced in early January, so by the time you peruse this helpful manual, you should be as bronze as an Olympic medal. If, by some freak accident, you failed to reach maximum levels of brown, don’t fret (it makes you look unattractive): there’s a simple fix. Don’t go to bed the first night and then sleep on the beach until sunset. Don’t forget to ask the locals about tide levels and how to repel crabs and jellyfish while you sleep. And be as friendly as possible – remember, you are on TV.
Document it. Don’t waste film with pictures of the sky, the ocean, the white sand or any interesting locals; you’ll want to save your memory card space for the friends that are going to drink the most and are already wearing the least. If this sounds like everyone you came with, a few other clues as to whom should get most of your camera time include: the guy who once wore a construction paper hat to a party and walked around ordering everyone to drink more, the girl who once threw your roommate’s TV out your third-story window and anyone who has ever snorted a shot of tequila.
If you are drunk (which should be approximately 80 percent of the time), tell everyone. Most people, especially those who aren’t drunk, don’t typically notice whether or not the person they are talking to is inebriated. This problem is easily solved by repeating this important tidbit of news every few sentences.
Assume a new identity for yourself. You could be an astronaut, a Vegas dancer or a surgeon; whatever makes you feel as sexy as you truly are. Remember, everyone there is probably a college student – you have to be more. Introducing yourself along with your imagined occupation will give you an edge on the other boring college students filling the bar.
Go ahead, be a hero. Times of celebration can also coincide with times of trauma, and with the community service experience from their probation officers, ultimate spring breakers are highly skilled at helping people. Where would the girl who cheats on her boyfriend every time she gets drunk be now if you weren’t always there to calm her down? Where would the guy that always wants to sing Salt ‘N Pepa be without you gently leading him away from the microphone? Surround yourself with drama and begin the heroics. It helps to always schlep along someone who can be guaranteed to either cry, fight or strip.
[beer] Never, never, never be swayed to leave a club with “hot locals.” They won’t believe you are an astronaut, they won’t take you anywhere that has foamy dance floors and they can outrun police faster than you can say, “Where’s my passport?”
Get up before sunset if you must, but only if there’s a happy hour at the pool bar. You may find yourself stuck waiting while someone is in jail or the hospital, or jail and then the hospital. If this happens, the only thing to do is explore the area – sober. Aquariums are a great place to meet fish. Ancient Mayan or Aztec ruins seem to be everywhere you look, plus Mayan funeral masks are more terrifying the less sober you are.
The rest is up to you. Ultimate spring breakers are born, not made, and these rules are merely a guide. As you prepare to return to East Lansing, you may feel as though you didn’t see enough; you want to experience more. That’s the way to think. While lagoons may get polluted, waterfalls may dry up and ruins may collapse, there will always be 50-cent shots resting on the washboard stomach of an exotic dancer, waiting for your return next March.

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