There is this wonderful thing in the queer world called GST. Gay Standard Time is used by procrastinating queers and their friends around the globe to explain both late arrivals or just plain absence to any gathering. Some attempt to place a set time on GST, fifteen minutes after everyone else gets there is common, but being a modern homosexual it has become apparent to me that labels are to be used only when to my advantage. New Year’s resolutions hardly render such a reaction.
Now that January is coming to a close I feel that I have finally formed a set of goals that are concurrently worthy and attainable for me to conquer over the next eleven months. Perhaps what is most inspiring is that I did quite well with my four resolutions for 2004: drink more booze, make more friends, have more sex and do well in school. I accomplished 75 percent of these and considering that 75 percent is about 30 percent higher than what I got in many of my classes I think I put enough effort into my hopes for last year to expand on them this year.
Resolution 1: Create more diversity in my boozing rituals.
Despite what many friends and my ever expanding facial pores claim I am not nearly drinking enough and I’m definitely too boring about it too. I spent the month of November drinking rum and cokes and most of December with gin and tonics. I have found, through my research, that if you are willing to purchase liquor that is at least two shelves from the floor, drinks can be made with one part alcohol and two parts carbonated beverage. I sincerely hope to soon experiment with drinks that are half and half, with caution of course. I also intend on spending much of March and April watching episodes of Sex and the City and recording the drinks that they purchase and trying them on my own. I am even toying with the idea of using this summer to explore drinks from different and obscure cultures. For example I’ve always wondered how people get drunk in Texas.
Resolution 2: Turn 21.
This might be difficult. Staying alive until late February? To ensure my success, I have enlisted the help of others who have survived these final treacherous weeks of being underage and they have ensured me that I can ride out this painful time.
Resolution 3: Have even more sex.
The only reason why I was able to prosper in the related resolution for last year was that in 2003 I had but one affair, and that was with Nick at Nite. Now, I am not going to spread any bad news about Nick at Nite, but it was basically the same thing every night and involved eating way too many pineapple and olive pizzas by myself. But once I was able to break up with Nick mid-way through the year, my situation improved, primarily because I began actually talking to real people. This year, however, I fear that just simply speaking to other people on occasion may not be enough to continue to grow in this very pertinent and spiritual sector. Turning 21 will help. After that moment I will no longer have to spend my time at the bars being bitter, sober and trying to figure out a way to get in an accident that would teach my friends not to be born before me without causing any negative long-lasting damage to myself. So, of course being more social and jovial (drunk in public) around possible partners will help immensely.
Resolution 4: Lose weight.
This is one of two resolutions that have appeared on my lists for nearly a decade. The other one being “do well in school,” but honestly, that isn’t happening this year as I just have way too many other things to do. So, what is one to do when they want to lose weight? I tried this new diet where I only eat when I am too drunk to remember that I ate, therefore making me think that I am not eating and should therefore be losing weight. Needless to say this did not work. So, I have decided to start doing more physical activity (see number three) and to eat healthier food. This will be an arduous task to accomplish considering that I hate both grocery shopping and preparing food. But I have faith that I shall persevere.
Resolution 5: Learn how to eat and drink.
I have been eating solid foods for nearly two decades now, and I have been drinking since I was born, and yet I am constantly choking. I choke on all ranges of food regardless of size or consistency, be it a head of lettuce or figs, I often find myself near death. The worst is water, there is just something about it that makes it difficult for me to swallow. So I have decided upon a strategic plan that has three points to it. First, eat and drink slower especially when I am very hungry. Secondly, I must chew my food longer so that if I do choke I will not die. And finally I must deactivate my gag reflex. Somebody I met online said they knew a good way to help me with it, but none of my friends would drive me to his house so I suppose I’ll have to figure it out on my own.
These extremely high hopes of mine are intimidating, I know, but don’t be discouraged. You too can one day reach these heights. But I doubt it.

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