Next Tuesday, you will face an important decision. Do you want to be a tool or do you want to be a voter? Don’t be a tool. No one likes a Tooly McTool. But everyone loves a bad-ass, ballot-casting registered American voter.
Here are five unconventional reasons why you too should head to the booths on
November 2:
[Sally] 1. Voting is a great excuse to sneak your way out of any prior commitment. Say to your boss, as you stroll in 30 minutes late to work, that you just finished casting your ballot for Bush because his party has blocked attempts to raise the minimum wage, and you feel like you are not worthy of higher pay. Tell your probation officer that you skipped out on your weekly drug test because you were waiting in line at the voting booths filling out your ballot for John Kerry, due to the fact that he wants to put 100,000 new policemen on America’s streets to stop people like yourself from violating the sacred laws of this nation. If you’re really in a bind, inform your professor that you skipped class to put her name on the Presidential ticket as a write-in candidate, since she is much better suited than Bush, Kerry or Nader to lead our nation.
2. If you love your grandmother, you’ll vote on the Republican ticket next Tuesday. Bush is trying to save Granny’s life by encouraging young people across the country to forgo their flu shot this year, so that there are enough for those older folks with weaker immune systems. Most people feel that Bush was right on the money with this assessment. Obviously, the best solution to the recent shortage in vaccinations is to sacrifice the lives of the healthy, robust American youth to the deadly sniffles, coughs, and headaches afflicted by the feared winter flu virus. So, as Bush advises, take one for the team. And tell your teachers, coaches, and friends that George W. would be proud of you, as you remain bedridden and congested for weeks on end during East Lansing’s cold months ahead.
3. Who is hotter, the Bush twins or the Kerry sisters? You are going to have to look at the elected President’s kids for the next four years. Consider this important fact when filling in the bubbles on your ballot: the set of daughters that appeals to you reveals a lot about your personality—even your drinking habits. Would you rather take a tequila shot with Jenna or sip red wine with Vanessa? Do you want to commit to being a “tequila man” for the next four years? Remember, men who drink cheap tequila throw up outside convenience stores and then pass out. Men who drink wine get laid and drive Cadillacs. If you believe this, then voting for Bush means that you might drive a crappy car, get arrested for public drunkeness, and God forbid, never sleep with a woman again. Is this a risk that you want to take?
4. Are you more of a horror flick fan or an avid comedy watcher? Those captivated by scary movies should vote Democratic this year, since Kerry is often compared to one of the original frightful creatures in fiction: Frankenstein. His lanky build, mechanical gestures, and deep-set stare conjure up memories of Adams Family re-runs and a certain old Mel Brooks film. But if you’re more of the Dumb and Dumber type, show your Republican support and proudly state your love for the ape family as you cast your vote for George W. Bush, who resembles everyone’s favorite zoo playmate: the monkey. His slightly protruding ears and goofy, bewildered facial expressions in the debates really say more than even he does in any of his speeches.
5. Really, all of this encouragement to head to the booths on November 2 comes down to one indisputable fact. P.Diddy wants you to vote. He has gone so far as to threaten death upon those who refuse to register, in his “Vote or Die” campaign. We all know that he, in fact, is the most powerful man in America, not the President. If we piss him off and don’t show up to cast our ballots, he might overthrow the government and install a hip-hop dictatorship, to the dismay of rock fans across the nation. So vote, if only to appease your punk and metalhead friends who can’t stand the sounds of TRL.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *